Heading into the holidays can bring up a range of emotions for many of us— excitement and joy to see family and friends, anxiety and apprehension to tackle tense dynamics, or even past grief, hurt or anger that can come back to the surface. Yet for those struggling with disordered eating and body image, the holidays can bring another layer of challenge. As schedules are filled with festivities that focus on food, consider taking these steps to promote a body positive holiday for yourself and those around you.
1. Avoid food talk. And body talk.
Food may be at the center of the holiday table, but that doesn’t mean it has to be the center of conversation. Unless you’re complimenting the cook on how the food tastes, challenge yourself to avoid belaboring food talk— especially if it focuses on details like calories, fat, or food sensitivities. For those struggling with disordered eating or body image, sitting through conversation that stresses the details can make a hard situation that much worse.
And while you’re at it— avoid body talk. That means no talk of weight loss, weight gain, or body changes, whether you’re referring to yourself or those around you. Even if you think you are giving a compliment (“Wow, you look amazing! Have you lost weight?”) comments that let others know you are evaluating their body can be immensely triggering. They reinforce the idea that certain body sizes are prized above others and that any body changes will be noted, even if not commented on directly. For those navigating recovery from disordered eating, tolerating or embracing weight changes can be an important part of the process. Without knowing where those around you might be on this journey, play it safe and stick with comments that express interest in the person, not the body.
2. Keep your eyes on your own plate.
Whatever you choose to eat, do not comment on what those around you are eating. To each their own plate— whether the amount of food, types of food, or pace of eating. Even comments that may seem funny (“Wow, where does that food go?”), innocuous (“Are you done already?”), or complimentary (“I wish I had that self control!”) can have serious unintended consequences. For someone struggling with their time at the table, it is hard enough to navigate their own feelings toward the food in front of them— don’t add your commentary on top of it.
3. No moralizing.
Food is not good or bad. Let me say it again for those in the back— Food is not good or bad! Mashed potatoes are not naughty, pie is not sinful. We are not “bad” when we have dessert or “good” when we say no. For those working through disordered eating, this is a core part of recovery. Food can be rich or light, more nutritious or less. But conceptualizing our food—and by extension ourselves—as virtuous or shameful is a core element of what makes an eating disorder thrive. So for yourself and those around you, keep the value judgements at bay.
4. Challenge compensation.
Eating disorders tend to insist that compensation is key— eat just a little now to “save up” for food later or “earn your food” with a turkey trot. Those who struggle with food restriction are constantly counting calories, analyzing and ruminating on how one meal affects the next. Those dealing with binging and purging may restrict for large portions of the day and then binge at night, or they may compensate for food eaten with excessive exercise. So when planning for food around the holidays, watch the urge to promote compensation as a way to prepare for special meals. If a run in the morning or a smaller meal pre-Thanksgiving dinner feels good to your body, you do you— but remember that the framing of how we think about these behaviors can have as much impact as the behavior itself.
5. Include activities that are food-free.
Sharing meals can be a wonderful, connective part of family gatherings and traditions— but remember that, for some, it can also be highly stressful and triggering. If you are planning for multiple days with family or friends, include activities that don’t involve food as a central component. Board games before dinner…Shopping “Small Business Saturday”…Asking to see pictures of a recent trip. It is easy to feel that holiday gatherings simply move from one meal to the next, so make sure to include a stress-free space for those who may struggle during meals.
6. Be an active bystander.
Chances are good that even if you work to follow these guidelines for a body-positive holiday, someone at your holiday gathering will not. It may not be with any hurtful intent, but we all have the relative most likely to pinch someone’s sides, comment on what someone’s eating, or describe their latest diet in full-fledged detail. Part of promoting a body-positive holiday is being an ally for those who may be struggling, which can mean addressing or redirecting conversation when the above guidelines get compromised. Like the TSA guidelines when going through the airport— “If you see something, say something.” Depending on your comfort level, you can be prepared to address a hurtful comment (“I wouldn’t want someone commenting on my body like that—let’s change the subject”) or redirect conversation that becomes hyper-focused on food (“Can we pause the diet talk? What I would love to hear about is your vacation last month…”) Modeling these boundaries can be hugely beneficial for our own well-being and for those around us who may not feel comfortable doing so.
However you choose to tackle the holidays, these small shifts can have a major impact on creating a safe and supportive space for all those at your holiday table. For further support addressing disordered eating and body image concerns, contact Nurtured Self Counseling to set up a free consultation.