From the moment many of us find out we are pregnant, we begin planning. We brainstorm names, imagine the nursery. We make the registry, plan the birth, and take classes. Planning can be exciting and fun— and it can be a practical way to reduce the anxiety that comes with such a large, impending change. Yet on all the checklists and spreadsheets, there is often one thing missing:
You.
Unlike many other cultures, American culture seems to shower pregnant women with care and attention and then largely step back once the baby arrives. We talk about yoga and self-care during pregnancy, carving time for pedicures, baths, or prenatal massage. Women are asked how they’re feeling and sleeping. Doors are held open and strangers comment on the pregnancy glow. Yet once the baby arrives, our culture seems to step back, leaving it to each family to muddle through those first months alone. Strangers joke about the long days and sleepless nights, their expressions of empathy dulled by a “we’ve all been there” slap on the back that seems to suggest that it can’t really be that hard.
But sometimes it is that hard— and that doesn’t mean that we aren’t excited or capable or deeply in love with our new squishy babe. It means that in a sea of “to do’s,” when we’ve tried to prepare for everything that needs to be done, we often forget that our own needs do not disappear just because the to-do list grows to new heights. We forget that you cannot pour from an empty cup. That caring for our own well-being is not selfish but crucial.
“What if we thought about our own sleep, our own nutrition, and our own need for support in the same way we think about our baby-to-be? ”
According to Postpartum Support International (PSI), in the twelve months after birth, 15-20% of women will experience some form of postpartum mood disorder. While postpartum depression is most commonly known, many women also experience postpartum anxiety, panic, or obsessive thoughts and compulsive behaviors. And while a portion of these conditions may develop regardless of intervention, what if we spent even a fraction of the time preparing for our own experience that we spend preparing for baby? What if we thought about our own sleep, our own nutrition, and our own need for support in the same way we think about our baby-to-be?
When I was pregnant with my son, my husband and I attended a two hour class on breastfeeding. The class couldn’t prevent us from running into challenges— and indeed, we did. But what it could do— and what it did quite effectively— was set us up for success and prepare us to recognize the challenges that could arise. We knew what “normal” breastfeeding was supposed to look like— how many diapers a newborn baby should produce, what color poop would indicate effective nursing, and where to go if these things went off track. It empowered us to know that the pain I experienced by weeks two and three were not “normal,” and it gave us the confidence to reach out when something felt wrong. It did not mean that we wouldn’t run into real problems, but it meant that we were ready to tackle them and could get help before things got worse.
“We identify these areas so that we can plan for them— knowing at best we can prevent issues from arising, and at worst we will have systems and supports in place if they do.”
In my therapy practice, a large portion of my work is dedicated to helping soon-to-be moms do just that. I offer a three session package for pregnant mamas where we talk about the signs and symptoms of postpartum mood disorders and how to know when to seek help. We go through personal history and identify risk factors, such as previous experiences with depression or anxiety, previous bouts of postpartum distress, or relationship challenges that may intensify after the baby arrives. We also explore subtle factors that may impact the time after birth, such as tendencies toward perfectionism, critical self-talk, or negative body image. We identify these areas so that we can plan for them— knowing at best we can prevent issues from arising, and at worst we will have systems and supports in place if they do. We then create a postpartum wellness plan, identifying what each woman needs to feel grounded in different areas of her life and how she can continue to get those needs met.
Whether working with a woman individually or coaching a larger class, I recommend that all pregnant mamas give thought to their own wellness plan before baby arrives. What are the things that make you feel calm and grounded? What makes you feel most like yourself? Think about different areas of your life— your physical needs, emotional needs, intellectual needs, relational needs, and spiritual needs. What do you need to feel at least minimally fulfilled in these different areas? What might you notice in yourself if you are feeling depleted? Who are the people who can hold you accountable to your wellness plan and support you in getting your needs met?
Of course life will change after baby— yes, drastically— in both beautiful and challenging ways. But what doesn’t change is the fact that you are your own human, with your own strengths and your own history, your own gifts to give and your own needs. In the months to come, as your to-do list grows and your due date draws nearer, consider placing yourself on that list and setting aside time to plan for you. Your postpartum self will thank you.
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Contact Rebekkah Goodhart, LCSW to learn more.